i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
