what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
