matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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