I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Randomize
