I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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