he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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