You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
