I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
farters have to be the big spoon...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think my moral compass just broke
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
