can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
