Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
