i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
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