is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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