Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
