god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
