your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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