No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
