His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
