haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
