if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
