You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
