Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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