A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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