How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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