my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
