I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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