Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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