My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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