Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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