I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
