My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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