i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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