After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
