I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
