I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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