I can text with my tongue
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
