god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
