Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
