I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
