There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
