I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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