i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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