I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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