I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
