There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
