so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
