Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How external is "for external use only"?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
These tits shall not be calmed
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
