You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
