Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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