He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
