Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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