So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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