An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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