Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
