I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
