If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
